as I was praying tonight, all that I could seem to dig up from the depths of my heart: I just really love you.
This past week has been chaotic, busy, wild, and everything in between. I had finals, graduated, had party after party celebrating friends and family, events at church, and so much more. It was overwhelming at times, and I even had days where I would get to the end of my day, finally take a breath, and realize I had not taken any time to simply sit in the presence of my Father. I had not taken even a second to pause from these plans that I thought were so important to just thank my Creator for another day of breath in my lungs and two feet on the ground. but there was grace upon grace. in all of those moments of frustration with myself and guilt for neglecting the One who gave me these people and relationships and plans, there was grace.
As I sat down tonight with a defeated spirit and a guilty heart, I realized the closeness of my Father. He was there, in every single second of this week, even when I was not noticing or appreciating it. I was on His mind the entire time, even when He was the last thought on mine. And in all of my frustration with myself, He reminded me that I am chosen. He reminded me that He isn’t asking for perfection, He is just asking for my heart. All He wants is my love, which is so mind-blowing because it feels worthless compared to the way He is pursuing and caring for me.
As I came into His presence holding my tattered and dirty heart, saying “but this is all I have to give,” He looked me in the eyes and said “That is all I’m after. That is all I’ve been after this entire time. It is worth more than the entire universe to me, its the reason that I left everything to come and save you. I loved you before you ever loved me back. I never gave up so that I could have your heart-the whole thing. I want to mold it and shape it into all that I created it to be. I want to fill it with my desires, my compassion, my joy, and my never-ending love. It’s all I want, it is my priority and it is all that I’m chasing. I will never stop pursuing it.”
I’m wrecked. I am overwhelmed at the relentless love of my Abba. A God who loves His daughter so deeply that He will stay near in her moments of frustration, grief, hurt, and sadness. He will be closer than her next breath, even when she goes hours or days without turning to look at Him once.
And after sitting with the Lord and realizing the depth of His love for me this week, the only words I’m left with are “I just really love you”. I don’t deserve the way You love me. I deserve the opposite. I deserve distance, hostility, and death. But You generously give me your closeness, kindness, and new life.
I just really love you. So much, so deeply, so whole-heartedly, and still only an ounce of the way that You have always loved me. I just really really really love you, and I have no other words.
His love & mine,
Bree
